ANDREA RUNNELS
Disclaimer: YES, I know this is an abnormally long post!!
As I journey from traditional classroom teacher to full-time entrepreneur, I am conquering my biggest demon. And that demon is self-doubt. And I’ve come to realize that people with ADHD are likely to struggle with confidence issues. That’s because we get so frustrated that we are different and get mad at ourselves over things we can’t control. I started this post weeks ago, and you know the punchline. Well after having a meltdown this morning because I just couldn’t explain something in a way my friend could understand, I decided to finish it.
I always knew I was different when I was younger, that’s a prerequisite when you are a redhead anyways. And sometimes I just wanted to be like everyone else. I still feel that way sometimes. My business mission is uncovering the untold or forgotten about stories of the past. My personal mission is inspiring and empowering other people who struggle with self-confidence, too.
Hi. My name is Andrea. And I have ADHD. Plain and simple. And I’m ok telling you that because that doesn’t mean I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. It shouldn’t be so taboo to share this.
And it doesn’t mean my brain is mis-wired, a phrase I am trying to erase from my vocabulary. It means my neurons and synapses all fire off each other differently than yours do. Can I still be successful? Of course!! And if you are a teacher, your students need to know that they can be, too! If you are a parent, your kids do. The same thing applies for spouses, family members, and friends.
There were some things I tried to fix when I was younger but couldn’t, like waiting until the last minute to do stuff. My parents would get frustrated and as much as I tried I couldn’t change this trait. As an adult, I finally got some answers when I was formally diagnosed with ADHD about 3-4 years ago. Now, it all makes sense! And what I’ve researched on my own through the years and observed helps me realize that the emotional traits of this condition (NOT a disorder or mental illness) are more debilitating than just me not having a long attention span.
Through my 16 1/2 years of teaching, being a mom, and my own experiences, I have generated a list of things that students, your spouse, your friend, your kids, or anybody with ADHD needs you to know. I hope this list opens your eyes and allows you to connect with students better next year if you are a teacher or family members or friends now. These are my own opinions and insights and not meant to be an absolute or diagnosis for anyone else.
Things We Need You to Know About ADHD
We don’t think the phrase “squirrel” is funny or saying that was so “ADD” of me is ok if you don’t have the condition. Yes, I realize that it originated from the movie Up but the connotation of getting off track or not paying attention is clearly ADHD. It’s not a joke. We live our lives feeling scattered and all over the place. Just the same as poking fun saying someone is “bipolar” or you are so “bipolar” when you have varied emotions is absolutely unacceptable.
*We might not necessarily be “bouncing off the walls.” There are 2 main categories of ADHD, inattention and hyperactivity. You can’t assume when you find out that someone has ADHD that they will be “bouncing off the walls.” Girls are more likely to have inattention issues than hyperactivity. And within these two categories are sub-categories and variations, etc. etc. So the diagnosis of ADHD is not one-sized-fits all. And who knows? Maybe you have ADHD and don’t experience any of the following issues. All I know for sure is my story.
*We are super hard on ourselves because we constantly beat ourselves up because we can’t be like everyone else. We try so hard. We would if we could. We get embarrassed when we interrupt or forget something. And then that shame is overwhelming. I constantly feel the need to apologize for things that are just inherently me.
*We might erupt in anger and shut down when we really are just frustrated. And it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with being mad at ourselves that we can’t explain how we are feeling the right way. That’s because our brains don’t think in that “right way.” And we take our frustrations out on the wrong people all the time. And then we get mad at ourselves for treating people we love and care about badly. Vicious cycle. This is why we don’t like asking for help.
*We constantly feel like misfits. We feel like a square peg in a round hole. Especially in school. As a teacher or a student. Sitting still for extended amounts of time and being quiet is excruciating. That’s because we know we have to and so we are spending so much concentration telling ourselves to be quiet and pay attention that we have totally lost focus on whoever is talking. So we might just give up and own that “behavior problem” role. If people are going to see us as that kid who can’t sit still or can’t stop talking then we will just live it up to the fullest.
*If we are IN, we are ALL IN. If I get excited about something you will know it. If I’m not, it’s all quiet on the western front. It’s kind of like OFF/ON in our brains. I constantly feel like I’m annoying people by over-participating on social media. For example, I know this post is longer than the “ideal word count.” Maybe people think nobody will read it. If one person does and it resonates, then I’m happy.
*If we are quiet, it might be because there’s a storm brewing. We might be upset about something and ruminating about it and a verbal backlash might ensue soon. You might think we aren’t paying attention but then we will impulsively strike you with a venomous remark without blinking an eye. Once again, that whole frustrations on people who don’t deserve it. And then we are really, truly remorseful after wishing we weren’t so quick to the verbal trigger.
*We need reminders but not to be nagged repeatedly. If there is something important we need to do, we know. We plan to do it. We don’t need to be constantly told with a condescending “Don’t forget because you usually do x,y,z” digs to go with it. Let us have our space to complete whatever it is because if not we will feel like said task is looming over our head like a dark cloud until we get to it. I know you are thinking that we should just take care of whatever before anything else. We wish. If it’s apparent we did forget just say “Oh yeah, don’t forget about blah, blah” THE END. WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. We will receive the reminder positively and be grateful!
*We aren’t “speed junkies.” Yes, our medications are controlled substances. I’m not explaining the whole brain chemistry thing but they actually have the reverse effect or something. So does caffeine. It doesn’t make us hyper, it evens us out. If we forget to take it or run out, we aren’t freaking out because we are addicts. And yes, we run out because you can only get 1 month at a time. Imagine the problems of having to remember to call in the doctor’s office to get the script and so on. The withdrawal effects are terrible if we forget to take it or run out. It’s like being in a fog of complete exhaustion and irritability. So if you are a teacher and a student is off their meds, don’t worry that they will be “crazy.” Be kind because they are probably feeling incredibly sick. And you have to take it first thing in the morning, too so there’s no taking it at night if you forgot.
*We don’t sleep well. Our brains won’t shut up. Relaxation and rest may not be in our lexicon. We feel like we are always on the go with 50 tabs open in our brain browser.
*Don’t disturb us if we are in the middle of something. Once we are in the “zone” or a period of hyperfocus we can accomplish a lot. If we get interrupted it’s like a magic spell is broken.
*We may be cranky because we probably forgot to eat or just grab stuff like protein bars here and there because we didn’t want to lose track of what we were doing.
*We are big picture, grand plans people. We don’t think in minutia.
*If we hear 1 negative thing in a list of 100 positive ones we will focus on that. That’s because it’s very likely it is in regards to one of our quirks that we wish we could change but might not be able to.
*We take things personally and have a hard time not getting our feelings hurt.
*ADHD is a misnomer. “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” We can pay attention. It’s just to about 10 things at once. And “disorder???” It’s just a different set of brain wires.
*We do work better at the last minute. We have a hard time prioritizing so deadlines are our lifesaver.
So what if we stayed up all night the day before? It’s done. Don’t get mad at us for waiting to the last minute.
*We need music or background noise when working. That’s because it drowns out little noises. We might laser in on the slightest repetitive noise that will catch our attention and drive us crazy in our brain.
*We need validation when we do stuff right, even the slightest thing. We worry that you may get mad at us and not love us anymore because we can be hard to deal with. Even if we know we need to hear it. We need you to point out positives and be encouraging because we are probably harder on ourselves than anyone else ever could be. Sometimes we feel unlovable.
*We don’t do lists or planners well. That’s because we lose the lists. Or we don’t know where to start. Or we didn’t list specifics. And fitting stuff inside a limited space whether digitally or in print is nearly impossible. I say it’s just hard to contain the magic inside a tiny box.
So what does all this mean? Are we doomed? Should we all be dropped off on the “Island of Misfit Humans” and forgotten about? I know we can be exhausting. Trust me we get tired of ourselves. The statistics for substance abuse and even suicide rates for people with ADHD are alarming. It’s tragic and I hope that by my bringing about awareness I can help people be ok in their own skin.
It just means that we need patience and understanding. I can’t tell you how many times I have said “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!” And by said I mean screamed. We need acceptance. We need to know you still love us when we mess up. We need to you to recognize that even when we say we want to be left alone or we are fine, don’t believe it. We get tired of having to explain our feelings because often the words don’t come out right so we just shut down. Don’t give up on us. Don’t tell us not to sweat the small stuff. We try not to and get even more stressed out. If we are having a meltdown that makes no sense to you, don’t try to reason with us or tell us not to be upset. Sometimes we just need someone to just listen and tell us everything is going to be ok.
We need someone to believe in us and unlock our potential. We need someone to point out how lucky we are to be so creative. We need that one teacher or role model who won’t make us fit into a mold. The one that will let us stand up in the back of the room or not get upset when we forget something because we have so much going on in our brain.
We need an advocate and maybe we even need a hero. We can accomplish great things if we set our minds to it. There is someone in your life now or maybe in the future that needs you to believe in them. The people who reach out to me when I’m upset and are patient with me when I’m not so patient with myself mean the world to me. If you are a teacher getting your class list, don’t prejudge students who have ADHD. Empower them. Love them for who they are. You could forever change someone’s life. Make it be for the better.